4 Surprising Strategies to Unlock Your Child's Potential
Embracing the "Good Enough" Parent
In our high-pressure world, parents often feel an overwhelming need to be perfect and do everything “right” to guarantee our children will reach their highest potential or fare better than we did. I've seen firsthand how this pursuit of perfection can lead to stress, anxiety, and burnout for parents and children alike. Parents feel defeated when perfection is unattainable, and children struggle to achieve those high standards that their parents have set for them. Here's a liberating truth: being a "good enough" parent is not just okay—it's optimal for your child's development. Let's explore three evidence-based strategies that can transform your parenting approach and help your children thrive.
1. Embrace Imperfection
The concept of the "good enough parent," introduced by pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott, suggests that children benefit most from parents who are loving and generally attentive, but not perfect. In fact, he theorized that we only need to “get it right” 30% of the time. Research from Stanford University supports this, indicating that parents who view mistakes as learning opportunities raise children with a growth mindset. [Growth mindset means to see mistakes and learning opportunities and have on open mind to possibilities]
Here's the paradigm shift: part of "doing parenting right" is allowing yourself to do things "wrong." Your mistakes and imperfections are not failures—they're valuable teaching moments for both you and your child. They teach valuable skills such as resilience, flexibility, self-compassion, vulnerability, and an ability to see things from the middle. Our children must learn these skills to be well balance and prepared for the things life may throw at them.
Practical applications:
Practice vulnerability by sharing your mistakes openly and discussing what you learned
When you mess up, model self-compassion instead of harsh self-criticism
Encourage your child to embrace their own imperfections and learning processes
Remember: The goal isn't to be a perfect parent, but a "good enough" one who creates a safe space for growth and learning.
2. Prioritize Self-Healing
Many women carry the weight of generational expectations, trauma, and unresolved issues into their motherhood. This leads to a cycle of worry, stress and perfectionism. Studies in developmental psychology show that parents who address their own emotional health are better equipped to provide secure attachments for their children. Again, this does not mean that we must be perfect but rather aware. Know your own pain points so you can identify moments when you are not grounded in your truest sense of self but rather may be replaying or feeling stuck in a worry or trauma that really has nothing to do with your child. It keeps us from projecting our stuff onto them and lets them learn the world threw their eyes.
By working on ourselves, we not only improve our parenting but also model the importance of awareness, essential self-care and emotional intelligence for our children.
Practical applications:
Engage in personal development such as therapy or counseling to address trauma, worry or perfectionist tendencies
Practice self-compassion and stress management techniques
Pause before reacting and become aware of yourself when emotions are high. Give yourself time to identify this as a “you problem” allowing yourself a better chance to co-regulate from a grounded place.
Join parenting support groups to share experiences, find shared community and reduce isolation
Know that this healing takes a lifetime for some and doesn’t need to be completed prior to starting your family. It does however make a huge difference for most when they begin this work before baby arrives. It is never too late to work on yourself.
(Read this blog post to understand more about why motherhood is so triggering especially when you have childhood trauma)
3. Empower Decision-Making
Research published in the Journal of Personality demonstrates that children raised with autonomy-supportive parenting show greater intrinsic motivation and resilience. By allowing age-appropriate choices—and the natural consequences that come with them—we nurture our children's decision-making skills and confidence. This means that when your kiddo says I really don’t want to do that or can I try that, assuming it is appropriate to the age and safe it is ok to let them lead. We want to help foster children who have a strong sense of self and contrary to what we sometimes feel, that does not come from us telling them who they are. It comes from them learning and discovering who they are on their own with our love and support.
Practical applications:
Offer meaningful choices, even if they might lead to small 'failures'
Resist the urge to rescue your child from every mistake. They need to learn how to recover and that they are capable of it.
Reframe setbacks as learning opportunities, not disasters
Note: This does not mean that we let our children make every and all decisions and don’t set rules or boundaries, these are important too. What it means is that we take the opportunity to give them voice and choice at safe and appropriate times.
4. Become an Observer of Your Child
In a recent podcast episode by Dr. Becky Kennedy, she discussed how our children are in essence strangers to us and us to them. What she means by this is that they are constantly discovering and developing their sense of self, and we are constantly learning about them. When we forget to observe our little strangers, we may find ourselves projecting our own personal knowing onto them leaving them the burden of having to live up to those expectations. Instead, if we allow ourselves to really observe and get to know our children like we would a new friend, boss or colleague we are supporting their development of self-awareness and self-actualization from a younger age.
Practical applications:
Practice slowing down your reactions and assumptions about your kiddo to leave time and space to notice and observe their experience of something.
Ask your children more questions about their choices, interests, and feelings giving wait time for them to answer.
Take note of what your kids do, say or show you, AND leave room for the patterns to shift and change as they grow and mature.
Allow your children to make decision about what they wear and do for fun with the expectation that it may change overtime.
Conclusion: Redefining Success in Parenting
The path to helping our children reach their highest potential lies not in striving for perfection, protecting them from everything, or mowing the path for them, but in embracing our role as cheerleaders and "good enough" parents. By modeling resilience through our own imperfections, prioritizing our emotional growth, fostering our children's autonomy, and being observers, we create an environment where they can truly flourish.
As we navigate the complexities of modern motherhood, let's shift our focus from being 'perfect' moms to being present, authentic, and growth-oriented moms. Remember, it's often in our 'mistakes' and vulnerable moments that the most powerful connections and lessons emerge.
Ellie Messinger-Adams, MA, LPCC
ēma Therapy
